


Amongst the Stars

by clevernotbrilliant (clairevergreen), dreamshadow



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Community: HPFT, Depression, Drama, F/F, F/M, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Panic Attacks, Romance, Substance Abuse, Suicide Attempt, no seriously, the tags are not a joke
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-09-13
Packaged: 2019-06-20 23:07:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15544200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clairevergreen/pseuds/clevernotbrilliant, https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamshadow/pseuds/dreamshadow
Summary: Finally away from the near constant threat of death and destruction on the ground, Perri Laughlin is forced to slow down and confront her worst enemy: her own mind.-------Emma Rhodes chose life over death in one heartbreaking moment of survival. But she'll soon learn that her demons will always lurk in the shadows and you can't outrun a broken heart.-------For the group of nine survivors, living up in space may just be more difficult than escaping the end of the world.





	1. Perri

**Author's Note:**

> _Warning: includes depictions of anxiety, depression, PTSD, and a suicide attempt_

 

If first impressions were anything to go by, Perri wasn’t sure if she’d rather have taken her chances with the radioactive planet beneath them. It was like escaping from Mount Weather all over again. At first, everyone seemed to be too shocked about everything that had transpired in the past few days to do much of anything, but shock only lasted so long before it gave way to leftover feelings from their six months on the ground. 

The events of the past few days had hit everyone hard despite all their efforts to hide it. Echo seemed to have all but barricaded herself into one of the rooms, only coming out at odd and erratic hours that Perri was only aware of because of her own inability to sleep more than an hour or so at a time. 

After everything that had gone on in Becca’s lab, Emori seemed reluctant to interact with anyone and Perri didn’t really blame her. She stayed on the outskirts of every conversation or meeting and--with his own place in the group still uncertain--Murphy tended to stick close beside her. 

Harper and Monty  hadn’t left each other’s sides since they landed. Monty had thrown himself into his algae farm, working around the clock to get it up and running. Everyone on the ship knew it was because of Jasper, but no one was brave enough (or stupid enough) to bring it up. It was obvious that Harper was the only thing keeping him from completely falling apart, but despite her effort to be strong for him, Perri could see the cracks that were starting to form in her armor.

Clarke’s absence had affected all of them, but no one more so than Bellamy. At first, he had taken charge like usual, leading all of the efforts to make the ring feel more like home. But in typical fashion, he and Emma had gotten into a fight after she had dropped Clarke’s name without even thinking. He shut down to the point that Raven had been the only who could even get a word out of him for the past two days and it didn’t look like that was changing any time soon.

Emma, for her part, tried to act as if the last few days hadn’t happened. To anyone else, she looked like she was coping the best out of everyone. She was smiling and joking and, besides Harper, she was the only one who could convince Monty to leave the hydrofarm. But Perri had been there in Arkadia when Jasper died. She knew what had happened and between that and being trapped with her in Mount Weather, she could see the slightly pained look in her eyes or the way she was always just a bit too ready with a clever comment to deflect from her own feelings.

With Bellamy a word away from a total breakdown, Raven was doing her best to put on a brave face and pick up all the pieces. She was the glue that was holding them all together but Perri knew her well enough to see how much she was struggling. She had literally died and come back to life all on her own and even Raven Reyes couldn't pretend to be okay with that after only a few days. Every time she saw her, Perri wanted nothing more than to wrap her in a hug and never let go like the past three months hadn't happened. 

But they had. And the three months before that had happened. And no matter how hard she tried to put it all behind her, she couldn't escape what all of it had done to her. Nightmares about Mount Weather and ALIE and all of the horrible things they had done to survive were a nightly occurrence. There was hardly a night where she had slept more than one or two hours at a time and she could feel the sleep deprivation getting to her. 

With all of the clashing personalities stuck on the Ring, she could barely stand to be in the same room with everyone without feeling like she was drowning. Thankfully, she had spent more than enough time wandering around the Go-Sci Ring back when it had still been attached to the rest of the Ark and before she had been arrested. While the others were still getting their bearings and figuring out where everything was, she was able to slip around like no time had passed.

A quick sweep of the rooms yielded a bottle of an as of yet unidentified alcohol and she managed to sneak off on her own about four days after they had landed. She found one of the only corridors with a window and settled in, content with drowning all of her problems in booze.

“You would think after all this time you’d be better at finding hiding spots.”

Perri jumped at the unexpected voice, the low hums of the machines drowning out the footsteps that had signaled it. She glanced over as Murphy sank down against the wall beside her. He plucked the bottle out of her hands and took a long sip. “Hey, I’m great at hiding,” she said, taking the bottle back.

“There are years worth of hide-and-seek games that say otherwise,” Murphy shot back and Perri rolled her eyes as she knocked back more of the drink. 

“Where’s your shadow?” she asked, doing nothing to mask the annoyance and bitterness in her voice. “I thought you needed her permission before you did anything.”

She could see him shoot her a look as she ran her finger over the rim of the bottle, leaning her head back against the wall. “You could at least pretend you like her,” he said. He reached for the bottle, but she moved it just out of his reach. “It’s not that hard.”

“But lying is wrong, John,” she said in fakest voice she could muster, taking another sip, “how could you suggest such a thing?”

“Alright, calm down,” he said and when Perri glanced over at him, she could see the smile that he was trying to hide. “I think you’ve had enough of that—”

Perri moved the bottle out of his reach again, giving him a disapproving look. “Not even close,” she said, scooting away as he tried to grab for it again. “There’s not enough alcohol in this station to get me through the next five years with everyone here.”

“I think you’re being a little harsh,” Murphy said. 

Perri snorted and turned so she was facing him, placing the bottle between her crossed legs. “Am I? Let’s just do a quick headcount, hold on.” She dramatically cleared her throat and held out her hand, ticking off her fingers as she listed everyone out. “So there’s Echo, a psychopath who has tried to kill all of us on multiple occasions even though we saved her damn life so many times. Then there’s your girlfriend who, in the all of four days we have known each other, has decided she hates me and by, the way, feeling’s mutual.” Murphy gave her a look like he was going to interrupt but she plowed on.

“Bellamy, who can’t get his head out of his own ass long enough to think about something other than Clarke, so that’s gonna be real fun to deal with for five years. Oh, and of course, we can't forget Monty and Harper and Emma who all probably hate me now--”

“Wait,” Murphy said. “I thought you were friends. Why do they hate you?” Perri cut her eyes at him in a  _ “keep up” _ kind of way. He ignored her and used the opportunity to sneak the bottle out of her hands.

“Because,” she continued, “I spent the better part of a day trying convince Monty to leave his best friends and girlfriend behind to die and then Harper and Emma changed their minds after watching Jasper die,  which pretty much would have made me the biggest dick of all time if he had listened.”

She paused and waited for a smartass response but it never came. Instead, she watched as Murphy tried harder and harder to hide the grin on his face. “Yeah, that was kind of shitty,” he finally managed to say. 

She punched him in the arm. “This is when you pretend to be supportive and helpful.” She turned around so she was facing the window again. 

“Alright, alright,” he said. She felt something press against her leg and looked down to see him handing her the bottle back. “I’m sure they don’t hate you.”

She grabbed the bottle and took a swig. “You weren’t there.” There was a pause. Perri set the bottle down between her legs and leaned forward. She rested her hands against her face, pressing her palms against her eyes to keep the tears back. 

A touch on her shoulder made her jump until it registered that it was just Murphy. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and she all but collapsed into him. He tightened his grip and she buried her face in his shirt. “They don't hate you,” he said and this time, there was nothing but sincerity in his voice.

With her eyes closed and nothing but the sounds of the ship around them, she felt like she had been thrown back in time. Suddenly she was eleven again, hiding after her mother told her that her father was never coming back. She was sixteen and sobbing on the floor of the Murphy's room after Tara had broken her heart. 

It had been almost six months since they had been in the same place but it felt like it had only been minutes. Even with everything that had happened to them on the ground, Murphy was still her person. No one knew her better than he did and there was hardly anything he could do that would surprise her.

Which meant that it was only a matter of time before one of them ruined the moment.

“So not to be  _ that person _ or anything,” Murphy said, right on cue, “but I think you missed someone in that list of yours.”

Perri felt her stomach drop. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she mumbled, not picking her head up.

“Oh, do you need me to jog your memory?” Perri could practically feel him trying not to laugh. “You know, the mechanic, brown hair, brown eyes. The one that you’re madly in love wi--”

“We were having a nice moment,” she said as she sat up.

Murphy ignored her. “You gonna do something about that? Or are you just going to pretend she doesn’t exist for the next five years?”

Perri stared out the window and picked at the ends of her sleeves. “It’s worked so far.”

“Is that what we’re calling this now?” he said. Perri still refused to look over at him. “Getting drunk while hiding from everyone because you don’t want to deal with your feelings?”

She finally turned and glared at him. “You can stop being supportive and helpful now.”

“Perri, come on--” She stood up before he could say anything else and started walking away. She heard Murphy scrambling to try and follow her, but didn't slow down, letting her feet go on autopilot.

But she had downed almost an entire bottle of whatever alcohol it was and he had no issue catching up with her. “Per,” he said, putting a hand on her arm. “I'm not trying to… I just don’t want this to end up like last time with--”

“It won’t,” she said. “This is different. It's not…” She crossed her arms and Murphy's hand slipped off. “It’s not going to get like that. I promise.”

They kept walking in silence and she could tell that he wanted to say more. But instead, he just tossed his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. She relaxed into his side and started thinking that maybe the next five years wouldn't be so bad.

As the turned a corner, voices drifted from one of the rooms they had all taken over. Compared to the quiet she had just been in, the yelling sounded even louder than it really was, no doubt Bellamy and Emma getting into another pointless argument.

On second thought, she might need to find more booze.


	2. Emma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  _Three weeks after Praimfaya._
> 
>  
> 
> **trigger warning:** panic attack
> 
> * * *

**Chapter Two  
** **Emma**

 __  
If the last three weeks were any indication of how the next five years were going to go, Emma thought she might've had the right idea to stay behind and let Praimfaya swallow her whole.  Life on the Ring was going to be less than ideal, and while it was true that it was still life itself, she wasn't sure she was going to be able to survive the growing tension between the six remaining members of Skaikru and the two Grounders.  
  
The group had been working hard on making life on the ship sustainable, and everyone had fallen into various roles.  Emma spent most of her last three weeks exploring what was left of the Ring and drawing a map of the interior, so everyone knew where everything was. Monty was working on cultivating the hydrofarm with Harper, and Bellamy focused on giving everyone tasks and leading all the efforts.  
  
This last week had been a little more challenging than the others, though.   After successfully managing to grow a batch of algae, they had all tried it at their designated breakfast time. But it only took a few sips before Murphy, of all people, fell into a coma.  Perri had brought him straight to med bay, where she'd been able to set up a makeshift workstation and a bed for him to lay on until he woke up. She camped out there, only coming out at odd hours of the morning, and Emma could hardly remember the last time she even saw her.  
  
Emori obviously wanted to check on Murphy, but with Perri there around the clock, the grounder had reluctantly kept her distance from her boyfriend, spending her new free time learning at Raven's side.  
  
Monty took Murphy's coma harder than anyone else. While the algae tasted disgusting, they all sucked it up until they saw what happened to Murphy. Since then, Monty had been even more obsessed with his hydrofarm, checking levels and trying to figure out a way to not poison the rest of them so they could survive the next five years.  Harper was with him most of the time, but sometimes Bellamy needed her and Emma for help with clearing out one of the Council rooms, so Harper reluctantly left his side. Emma knew, though, that he was always on the back of her mind -- and she knew with worried glances Harper threw in Emma's direction, so was she.  
  
It was one of those afternoons when everything on the Ring was quiet. Bellamy and Harper were off in the training room, putting in finishing touches as the room used to be an old Council room. Perri was in her usual spot in med bay, Raven was showing Emori some of her tech, and Echo was still locked in the room she had designated for herself.  
  
Emma was restless. She didn't have the energy to help Bellamy and Harper today, but she couldn't quite bring herself to stay put in her room;  everyone else was off doing their own thing. And she was worried about Monty -- between Murphy, Jasper, and everything that had occurred in the last few weeks, she decided it was time to try and break one her best friends out of his new obsession, at least for a little while.    
  
The hydrofarm was toward the back of the Ring, but it wasn't a long walk to get there from where Emma had been roaming the hallway.  And sure enough, there he was, his tall, somewhat lanky frame hunched over a table where some of the plants were growing. His short, dark hair was anything but neat, and she'd bet all her money that there were bags under his eyes.  Her heart ached for him, and she let him be for a minute before knocking gently on the side of the door and letting herself in. His entire focus was on the plant in front of him, as if pure will would produce the right formula to keep them all alive.  
  
"It's impressive," she greeted, moving further into the room and taking in her surroundings. She couldn't really tell much of a technical difference, but she knew there was more greenery now than there had been in the last few days. "This is all from this week?"  
  
"Well, when you have no other food source, you want to get it going as fast as possible," Monty replied. His voice sounded a little off, a little strained.  "Murphy still in his coma?"  
  
"Yeah. Perri's checking in on him - she'll let us know when he wakes up," she replied, dragging a free stool over from a different workstation to sit next to him.  
  
They sat in silence for a while, doing nothing but watching the plants and listening to the sounds of the ship around them.  
  
After a while, Monty asked, "Was it really supposed to be this hard?"  
  
"What, living on the remnants of the Ark in space?" she teased.  "Yeah, I think so."  
  
He glanced over at her, and not even the tiny crack of a smile appeared.  
  
Emma nudged him. "Hey, I'm sure Murphy will be fine. He's survived worse scrapes than this."  
  
She knew the cracks ran deeper than guilt over Murphy, but if Monty didn't want to talk about Jasper, she wasn't going to be the first to bring it up.  
  
"But everyone's counting on me and - what if I can't get the farm up and running? What if we don't make it five years and all end up suffocating and --"  
  
"Listen," she replied, her voice dropping any pretense of humor.  "You've already got the farm up and running, Monty.  We're all so lucky to have you here with us - no way would we be able to survive otherwise. Like all great things, planting, especially a hydrofarm, takes time. And if there's anything we have an abundance of, it's that."  
  
"I guess," he mumbled.  "Assuming we don't all kill each other first."  
  
"Assuming Echo isn't spending all of her time in her room plotting our murder," she replied, the lightness in her tone back.  
  
"Who knows what she's even doing here," Monty muttered, but this time, there was a tiny hint of a smile on his face - something she hadn't seen since they managed to make it up here.  
  
"There's a smile," she said fondly, placing a hand on her heart.  "I was starting to get worried, y'know. Harper told me she was starting to think you'd forgotten how to smile."  
  
"Yeah, well..." He trailed off, raking a hand through his disheveled hair.  His eyes met hers, and for a moment, it was like they were back at Arkadia, and Emma was watching a private moment she definitely should not have been witness to -- and not just because of the ghost it left behind.  He swallowed.  
  
"I know," Emma said softly, the dull pain in her heart aching.  "I miss him too."  
  
"You were good for him, you know," Monty replied suddenly.  "For a while I thought he might even have a chance at going back to the old him."  
  
"I thought so too," she admitted, taking her turn to stare at the green life in front of her. She rested her head on his shoulder and he wrapped his arm around her waist, holding her tightly.  
  
Silence fell between them again, and the two best friends sat together, missing the third member of their trio.  
  
"What's the deal with you and Bellamy?" Monty asked, finally changing the subject. The heaviness lingered in his voice, though, like he couldn't quite shake it.  "I can't keep up with you two."  
  
"Me either. Right now he's a hotwire two seconds away from an explosion and I seem to be the only one capable of making him light the fuse."  
  
For just a second, Monty smirked at her. "You know why that is, right?"  
  
"Yeah," she scoffed, rolling her eyes.  "Because I'm the only one not willing to walk around on eggshells with him about Clarke."  
  
"Emma --"  
  
"Monty."  
  
"Raven can't take care of him forever, you know," he replied, as if realizing they weren't going to get very far if they kept the conversation going in that direction. "She's not you."  
  
"Yeah. And I'm not Clarke," she replied, standing up and walking away from the plants.  She felt a sudden lump rise in her throat but she forced herself to swallow it down. If she let herself fall apart now, there was no guarantee that she could pick up the pieces again.  
  
"No," he agreed, giving her a pointed look.  "You're Emma."  
  
"Thanks for the reminder," Emma said thickly, backing up toward the door.  
  
Monty didn't move to come after her. He kept his stare, though, as if he was waiting for whatever pieces of the puzzle she was missing to click into place.  Out of all of them, including even Bellamy at this point, Monty was the one person who knew her the best in this Ring. But God, sometimes she wished he could be more straightforward with her.  
  
As she turned to walk out, she almost ran headfirst into Raven, who managed to look simultaneously relieved and annoyed.  
  
"I was hoping I'd find you both," she said in way of greeting. She did a quick glance over and, thankfully without seeing anything that warranted a comment, plowed on with her news. "Murphy's awake."   
  
Emma smirked. "That explains the frown," she teased. "Just come from medbay with a certain doctor?"  
  
Raven rolled her eyes, ignoring the comment.  "Murphy being awake is actually good news, Emma.  It means that with a few adjustments, the algae isn't going to kill us."  
  
"I never thought I'd see the day I was actually  _happy_  Murphy survived," Monty replied, standing up from his stool and walking over to them.  
  
"Yeah, well, I think Perri might've murdered us all if something happened to him, so consider yourself lucky, Green," Raven replied, and while Emma could tell she was teasing, there was a slight hint of seriousness in her voice too. Everyone was quickly learning that Perri hadn't exaggerated or lied when she said how close she was with Murphy, and it was obvious by the way that she'd stalked medbay for the last week he'd been in his coma that there would be hell to pay if he didn't wake up.  
  
"I can sleep soundly tonight," Monty responded, and Emma smiled; it almost sounded like a joke.  He walked over to the two of them. "I'm going to go check on him and see if I can learn anything to tweak."  
  
Raven nodded, and Monty pushed passed them, leaving the two girls alone.  Once he was out of earshot, Raven looked back over at Emma. "Are you okay?"  
  
"Yeah, I'm good," she replied.  "Relieved Murphy's awake."  
  
"I am too," Raven said.  "But you looked like you were... I don't know. That you and Monty gotten into something."  
  
"No, don't worry. The only person I fight with on this ring is Bellamy," Emma half-teased.  
  
"Emma, that's not what I meant."  
  
"I'm  _fine_ , Raven."  
  
Raven narrowed her eyes, unconvinced.  
  
Emma rolled her eyes.  "Let's concentrate on the good things, okay?" she asked, abruptly changing the subject.  "You got us safely to the Ring, and now that Murphy's awake, Monty can figure out a way to cultivate the algae so we can survive  up here."  
  
"Assuming we don't all kill each other first," Raven muttered, managing to crack a smile.  
  
"Well, if we do, dibs on Bellamy," Emma replied, smiling weakly back at Raven.  
  
"One of these days you're going to give me the full story, Rhodes," she said, linking her arm through Emma's as they walked out of the hydrofarm.  
  
Emma wasn't quite sure where they were going, but she somehow doubted that Raven was going to lead her back to medbay. She was fine with that - while she was glad Murphy was okay, they'd never been particularly close, even if she did admire his survival instinct. Plus, she figured it was better to give Murphy, Perri, and Monty a few minutes alone together in peace.  
  
"Unfortunately for you, today is not that day, Reyes," Emma replied, following her back to what appeared to be the room they had designated for training and working out.  
  
The room was dim. Raven had been working on trying to find a light source for inside of the Ring, working almost obsessively with it as Monty had with the hydrofarm; but it appeared she hadn't quite made it to the training room yet.  
  
"Maybe you can start by telling him," Raven replied.  
  
"What are we -- what the hell are you -" Emma began, but she was cut short when she heard footsteps and then the door close. And then there was a small sound, a lock clicking from the other side of the door.  "Fucking -" she started, going over to the door and starting to pound on it. "Raven! Have you lost your mind?"  
  
"I'm starting to think we all have," an all-too familiar, deep voice remarked.  
  
Emma cursed under her breath when she realized who Raven had locked her in with.  After a minute, there was a scuffle of feet, and after another, the room was flooded in light.  She let out a small smile and muttered  _thank Raven._  
  
After she blinked a few times and allowed her eyes to adjust, she found herself looking straight at Bellamy Blake, the one person she was trying her best to avoid. It was like she couldn't say the right thing around him anymore, and whenever they were together for more than a minute, their conversations turned into a fight because she inevitably said something stupid.  
  
For a while, neither of them said anything.  Emma tried to look anywhere but at him, but footsteps told her that he was walking closer to her.  
  
"Is this how it's going to be, Bellamy?" she finally asked, forcing herself to look at him when his shoes were almost right in front of her. "Everyone walking around on eggshells around you?"  
  
"I'm not asking them to," he replied, something in his voice she didn't quite recognize. The last time she'd heard any kind of emotion like this, it was back when he'd told her about his mother on the Ark.  "I'm just... I can't... I don't know how I'm supposed to fix this."  
  
She sighed.  If her heart was aching for Monty, it was almost bleeding for Bellamy. She might not have always liked Clarke, but it was hard to deny that she'd been good for him.  "Just keep doing what you're doing."  
  
"All I've been doing so far is telling people what to do and managing to not totally lose my mind."  
  
"Right," Emma replied, managing a smile. "Keep doing that. If we don't have Clarke, we don't have anyone around using their head enough to make sure we survive. If you lost it... well, then the rest of us are screwed."  
  
"I think you underestimate yourself, Emma."  
  
"I always thought you  _overestimated_  me."  
  
"Not likely," he said, his eyes soft as she looked up at him.  They were standing so close to each other, it almost reminded her of the day that Clarke's list had been made public.  And she hadn't been on it. "I know you better than almost anyone. If you hadn't come to space with us --"  
  
Emma bit her lip.  She knew that Bellamy knew that her decision to come had been last minute, but she didn't know how much he knew about the circumstances.  That it had been a moment of terror and cowardice that had made her break a promise she'd made.  
  
If he didn't know about that, she wasn't going to be the one to tell him.  
  
"Sometimes I wish I hadn't," she admitted, trying to push away memories from that night.  
  
"You don't mean that," he replied.  His voice was soft again, something deep and genuine that would've tugged on her heartstrings if she wasn't preoccupied with the fact that she could already feel the air in the room tighten. "You can't regret coming to space with us. It was the only choice."  
  
"There's always a choice, Bellamy," she said, her voice hardening slightly, hating herself for backing out of hers.   
  
There was a long, heavy pause.  Her hands started shaking, the air getting thicker, making it harder to breathe.  Emma was convinced he could hear her heart beating rapidly against her chest, and in a moment, she was back at Arkadia, partying with Jasper and Monty and Harper.  And when Bellamy had come out onto the dancefloor, she almost couldn't believe it. It was like he was choosing them, after all this time.  
  
"Emma?"  
  
She blinked, trying to focus on him -- the boy who had gotten her through so many nights after her mother had been floated on this very Ark.   
  
"Emma, listen to me," he said, a little more insistent. He took another step closer to her, and then she felt his hand on her upper arm.  His grip was gentle but firm, enough to gently remind her that he was there. "Focus on the sound of my voice. Everything's okay. You're okay."  
  
"I'm sorry," she finally managed out, trying to catch her breath.  "I have to go."  
  
Emma turned, stepping out of Bellamy's grip.  Hands still shaking, she managed to find a bobby pin in her hair and stuck it into the lock of the door.  After a few attempts, she heard a click as the lock wiggled free.  The door opened, and a wave of air came crashing through her lungs.   
  
Without looking back, Emma fled from the training room, not stopping until she was far enough down the corridor where she could lean against the wall for support.  She sank to her knees, crouching down, and closed her eyes, focusing on breathing in, then out, then in again.  
  
She heard quick, heavy footsteps, and she didn't need to look up to know that they belonged to Bellamy.  She felt him sit back against the wall next to her, and almost immediately, his arms were wrapped around her, holding her tightly.  His left hand moved down her back and gently started rubbing small, comforting circles.  
  
"It's okay," he whispered, "you're okay. I'm here."  
  
Eventually, her breathing returned to normal and her heartbeat slowed.  Emma clutched onto him, feeling like she was nine years old again and her mother had just been floated -- and the only person she'd had in the world to look after her was none other than Bellamy Blake. She was still shaking, but eventually that calmed down as well, and all that mattered in the world was that they were here together.  
  
"I'm sorry," she whispered, her voice hoarse as she finally managed to look up at him.  "I'm so sorry."  
  
"It's okay," he repeated, brushing the hair out of her face.  "It's okay."  
  
And maybe, just for this moment, she could let herself believe it was.


	3. Perri

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Three months after Praimfaya_

Enclosed spaces had never been Perri's friend. It wasn't until they had been sent to the ground that she really figured it out, but in all that open space it felt like she could finally breathe again.

Of course, that all disappeared the second they had been taken to Mount Weather. The Ring may have been as far from underground as was physically possible but she felt just as trapped as she had been down on the ground. Three months in and there was serious doubt on her part that she was actually going to make it the next four and half years.

As much as she tried to keep the nightmares away, she could only go so long without sleeping and more than once, one of the others had woken her up in the randomest places on the Ring. Not that she ever planned on falling asleep there but most of them time she couldn't even remember how she got anywhere. Monty found her in his hydrofarm one morning and Murphy had found her multiple times in random hallways underneath what few windows they had.

The training room was a new one, though. Emma had essentially taken it over as her own space, but thankfully, she was usually only there during normal human hours. Perri probably would have never ended up there had she not been running on less than three hours of sleep, but that morning, it was the furthest thing from the rest of the group as she could find and her body was begging her to just stop and slow down.

Between Bellamy, Harper, and Emma, the room was almost unrecognizable from what it had been before. She hovered in the doorway for a moment before walking over to the far wall and sinking down to the ground. She sighed and rested her head back, closing her eyes. It was far from the most comfortable place she could have fallen asleep, but at that point, she would have taken a slab of wood over any more forced interaction.

She had almost drifted off when the sound of distant footsteps started echoing through the hallway. Not opening her eyes, she rubbed her face and squeezed her eyes tighter shut. Maybe if she just pretended no one was there...

"You know we actually use this room, right?" She sighed and opened her eyes to see Emma standing in the doorway, eyebrow raised.

Perri looked around the room, not moving from her spot on the floor. "I don't see anyone."

Emma rolled her eyes. "Hilarious," she said, walking over to Perri. She held out her hand. "Come on, get up."

Perri glanced between Emma's hand and her face. "I'm good, actually, but feel to free to..." She gestured around the room.

For a second, she half expected Emma to literally kick her ass out of the room, but there was a flash of something in her eyes and she just continued to hold her hand out. "Get your ass up, Laughlin," she said and despite her harsh words, her tone was light and teasing. "If you're gonna be in here then you're gonna train."

Perri scrunched up her nose like she was going to protest but took Emma's hand and let her pull her to her feet. She shrugged off her jacket and tossed it towards the wall as Emma set herself up in the middle of the room.

"Alright, first things first," she said as Perri walked over to her. She held up her hands, palms facing Perri. "Let's teach you how to punch."

Perri rolled her eyes as she stepped up to Emma. "I know how to punch."

Emma put her hands down and gave her a skeptical look. "You're a doctor. When have you ever punched anyone?"

"I grew up with Murphy," she said matter-of-factly. "I've punched enough people."

Emma shook her head and held her hands up again. "Of course that's your answer," she muttered.

Perri could tell that she wasn't supposed to hear that, but she couldn't resist firing something back. "What's that supposed to mean?" she asked, a little bit harsher than she meant to.

Emma blinked and her hands lowered a little, like she was trying to judge if she wanted to answer or not. "Nothing. It's just...Murphy seems to be your answer for everything since we've been up here."

Perri raised her eyebrow. She hadn't known Emma for very long, but even so, she couldn't miss the bit of jealousy in her voice as she talked about her and Murphy. Not that it was the first time she had heard something like that, but she was fairly certain that Emma wasn't saying it because she had a crush on her. "Yeah, and for you it's Bellamy," she shot back with a slight smile. "So why don't we just move on and--"

"No, wait," Emma said, abandoning any pretenses of them training. Perri saw a blush start to crawl up her neck. "Bellamy and I were never--I mean, we aren't--"

"What, together?" Perri filled in. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and crossed her arms. "You think Murphy and I are a thing?"

Emma ran her hand through her hair and sighed in frustration. "That's not what I meant," she said. "Bellamy and I were never together, but just...the way you talk about Murphy...I don't know."

"First off, that's bullshit." Perri gave her a knowing look. "And second of all, Murphy's just my best friend. I've never had any kind of feelings for him, he's, uh...he's not exactly my type. You know, being a guy and all that."

At that, Emma seemed to perk up. "Yeah, your type's Raven, right?"

This time, it was Perri's turn to blush. She tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear and turned away from Emma. "So punching things, yeah?"

"Oh, no, you do not get out of it that easy," Emma said, a full blown grin on her face now that the roles had reversed. "You two are gonna have to make up eventually."

"We really don't," Perri said, walking over to where she had left her jacket. "It wasn't that serious--"

Emma scoffed. "Okay, now I'm calling bullshit. We all can see the way you look at her, like she walks on water. Just tell her how you feel--"

"Emma, just stop," Perri said. "Just stop, okay. It's been six months and I don't want to talk about--"

"Hey, Emma, sorry I'm late," Raven said as she walked in. She stopped in her tracks as she took in who was standing in the room and not for the first time, Perri wished that she could just sink into the floor. She bent down to grab her jacket, trying to hide her face. As she slipped it on, she heard Raven say, "You know what, I'll just come back in a bit--"

"You're fine," Perri said and she surprised herself with how steady her voice was. "I was just leaving."

"No, you should stay," Emma said. Perri's eyes snapped over to her, but Emma was all but ignoring her, her eyes trained on Raven. "Come on, it'll be f--"

"Emma," Raven cut in. She gave her a warning look but Perri didn't want to wait around to see what was going to come out of it.

"I'll see you guys later," she mumbled as she made a beeline for the door, pulling her jacket as tight around her body as she could.

As fast as she was trying to leave, she still managed to catch the next bit of the conversation as Emma said, "Well, it worked for us and it was your idea in the first place--"

"It's not the same and you know it," Raven shot back.

She didn't realize how fast she was walking until it registered that she was halfway down the hallway back towards the main living areas. Footsteps behind her echoed against the walls and she resisted the urge to run away as fast as she could.

"Perri, wait," Raven said as she caught up to her.

For a split second, Perri considered what would happen if she just kept walking but she stopped before she got very far with the thought. She turned and looked at her. "Raven, I'm not doing this right now."

Raven stopped but Perri should have known better than to expect her to drop it just like that. "I'm sorry about all of that," she said, gesturing back towards the training room. "That wasn't about you at all, I swear."

"Could've fooled me," Perri muttered. She tugged at her jacket again. There was no possible way for it to be any tighter but she could still feel the anxiety rising in her throat.

Raven hesitated and Perri could see her wrestling with what to say next. "I did something like that with her and Bellamy a month or so ago and I guess she just figured..."

She trailed off but Perri didn't need her to finish. "It's fine," she said. "Don't worry about it."

She tried to walk away again but Raven caught her arm and forced her to turn back around. "Hey," she said softly, a frown on her face. "Is everything okay?"

Perri snorted and pulled her arm away. "Yeah, just peachy."

"Perri--"

"Look,  _you're_  the one that pushed  _me_  away, remember?" Perri said. All of the frustration and anger from the past few months flooded into her voice. "You can't just..." She ran her hand over her hair and blinked rapid fire. "I can't do this with you, not right now. I'm sorry."

This time, she managed to get away before Raven said anything else and the lack of footsteps behind her let her know that her last comment may have struck a nerve. She crossed her arms across her chest again and squeezed as tight as she could.

As she walked away from Raven, the tears that she had been keeping back finally started rolling down her cheeks.


	4. Emma

Six months to the day, Earth had been destroyed by Praimfaya.  For the group living up in space, it meant six months of living on the ring, learning how to live together in closed spaces and figuring out how to make the best of their new situation.  
  
Along with everyone else, Emma was managing to make the ring functioning enough to feel like home.  Her map proved to be useful several times, finding nooks and crannies that could be used as optimal hiding spaces and storage places. Though they'd claimed their living spaces more or less on the first few days on the ring, everyone was finally starting to get used to them.  
  
Monty and Harper grabbed one of the smaller rooms pretty early on, pushing together the two beds in the room to make one large enough for both of them.  Murphy and Emori had done something similar, while Raven, Echo, and Bellamy snagged rooms to themselves. Bellamy's was closest to the control room, and if it weren't for her own late nights, Emma knew she probably wouldn't see him falling asleep in front of the control panels, waiting for a signal that might never come  
  
Emma shared a room with Perri, which may have started as a last resort out of lack of space, but it was actually working out relatively well.  Perri was hardly ever in the room at the same time as Emma, but she'd also noticed that Perri was avoiding her, Monty, and Harper like the plague since coming up to the ring -- apart from when she'd tried to lock her and Raven in the training room. Instead of sleeping, Emma knew that Perri restlessly wandered the ship at night, a trait of insomnia Emma recognized in herself.  
  
Most nights, the only reason Emma even slept at all was due to training herself to the brink of exhaustion -- a habit that got bad enough where Bellamy had to come up with actual rules and restricted times for use of the training room.  Still, Emma managed to work around them, learning his own patterns and habits and when she could get away with sneaking inside. Maybe beating the shit out of her body wasn't the best way to deal with her demons, but it was better than feeling helpless.  
  
After Mount Weather, she'd sworn to herself that she would never feel helpless or unable to save herself, but somewhere along the way, she'd gotten lost again.  
  
On the sixth month anniversary of Praimfaya, a certain heaviness hung around the ring.  Everyone felt it, but everyone reacted to it differently. Harper and Monty stuck close together, hiding in their hydrofarm, while Perri and Murphy were off, probably sharing a drink or two. Echo, Raven, and Emori were all locked in their respective rooms, but Emma knew that if she spent any more time in closed off quarters, she wasn't going to be able to last the night without a breakdown or a panic attack.  
  
That was how she found herself sitting on the floor, drinking a bottle of unidentifiable alcohol, and staring out at the beautiful stars out the large window.  Somehow, they helped her feel less alone.  
  
"Great minds think alike," a voice said, interrupting her train of thoughts.  
  
She turned and looked over, not even bothering to hide her tears. Bellamy stood next to her, arms crossed with a frown on his face. His dark brown, curly hair was starting to grow longer and a beard was forming, but she couldn't help but think that she preferred this look on him.  
  
"What, you come to the window to cry too?" she asked, a lame attempt at making a joke.  
  
He shrugged, uncrossing his arms and plucking the bottle out of her hands. She was about to protest and grab it back when he brought it to his lips and took a swig. "This seat taken?"  
  
While things had been better since Raven locked them in the training room together, Emma knew she wasn't the only one dancing around conversations that mattered.  Still, they were trying to go back to the way things used to be, and more than anyone else tonight, Emma needed her best friend, the boy from the Ark.  
  
"Whatever the hell you want," she said, reaching her hand up.  
  
A small smile crept on his face, something she hadn't seen on him in a while.  He passed the bottle back to her and sat down, crossing his legs and setting his elbows against his knees. At first, he didn't say anything, his eyes locked out the window.  She watched as they landed on a small patch of green and a shadow seemed to cross over his face.  
  
"I can't believe it's already been six months," he finally said.  "It feels like a lifetime ago."   
  
"Really?" she asked, resisting the urge to reach out for his hand.  "It seems like yesterday to me."  
  
Bellamy turned slightly to her, his eyes shifting into a soft, understanding look, but he didn't say anything. He gave her no words of comfort or the idea that he knew what she was feeling, because he didn't -- and she didn't know how he was feeling, either. Emma met his gaze and managed a small, watery smile before reaching up and brushing away her tears. When he finally looked away, he took the bottle from her and had another drink, turning his attention back to the window.  
  
A comfortable silence fell between them.  They passed the bottle back and forth, taking turns having drinks. At some point, Emma shifted closer to him, and his arm naturally found its way around her waist, pulling her closer to him.  She rested her head against the side of his shoulder and closed her eyes.  
  
Like all of the other times she was with Bellamy like this, the noise inside her head quieted, the demons slowly disappearing back into the corners of her mind. The alcohol helped with that, too.   
  
After what felt like hours of silence, Bellamy said, "I'm worried about you, Emma."  
  
She set the nearly empty bottle down on the floor next to her and sighed.  "I'm fine."  
  
"That's bullshit," he argued. "A few months ago you told me you regretted coming to space, and now you're doing that thing again where you take all of your aggression out on your body.  If you're not careful, you're going to snap."  
  
"Mmm," Emma replied, glancing over at him.  "Pot meet kettle?"  
  
He rolled his eyes, but she could see a him try and hide the smile that was tugging at his lips.  "That's different," he said. "I'm different."  
  
"Are you, though?" she asked.  She paused, watching what looked like guilt cross over his face.  She hated that look. "Bell, you've fallen asleep in the control room more times in the last few months than you have in the room you claimed as your own. I know you don't want to talk about it, but leaving Clarke behind wasn't your fault. We waited as long as we could, and if we waited any longer, we never would've been able to make it up to space and we all would've died six months ago. You did what you had to do to save us."  
  
"Even though we all didn't want to be saved?" he asked, glancing over at her.   
  
Emma cleared her throat before taking a final swig at the bottle.  Her cheeks were warm, and she was sure if she stood up, all of the alcohol would rush to her brain.  As it was, she stayed seated next to Bellamy, though now she wouldn't look at him.  
  
"I know Jasper is the reason you and Harper changed your minds," he continued, his voice a mix of uncertainty and a heavy emotion she couldn't place, "but I feel like there's another you're not telling me."  
  
"Harper changed her mind because she couldn't leave Monty," she replied definitively, staring out at the window, at that small patch of green.  "I changed mine because I was a coward."  
  
"Wanting to live doesn't make you a coward, Emma."  
  
Instinctively, she moved to press the bottle to her lips only to remember that the alcohol was gone. She didn't have another bottle with her, but at least she could run her fingers along the rim of this one to give her hands something else to do. She finally glanced over at him and saw a look in his eyes that she hadn't seen since before ALIE tried to take over the world.  
  
"What do you want me to say, Bellamy?" she asked, her voice cracking.  "That it was you? That I caved and couldn't leave you behind? That despite all the shit we've been through, you're still my best friend and I--"  
  
She swallowed, the words right at the tip of her tongue. She wanted to tell him, needed him to hear it, and he was so close to her and he was looking at her  _like that_  again, with his big brown eyes that would undo her every time.    
  
Without thinking about it, Emma closed the remaining distance between them and pressed her lips against his in a soft but urgent kiss.  
  
It would've been almost perfect, except that Bellamy didn't respond.  
  
When it registered that his lips weren't moving against hers, she started to pull away, horror and heartbreak mixing with the alcohol running through her system.  But before she had the chance to stutter out an apology, he pulled her back to him, his lips crashing down onto hers in a rush of passion. Without hesitation, she kissed him back, and the passion shifted into something more desperate.  
  
Everything that happened next was a blur.    
  
She felt the heat of his hands trailing up her sides as her fingers twisted into his hair, his lips moving down to kiss her neck.  A moan escaped her lips as his hands moved back down toward the hem of her shirt. They pulled apart briefly, if only to pull her shirt over her head followed by his, tossing them to the side.   
  
As quickly as they parted, they crashed back into each other, hands roaming over what used to be familiar territory.  Bellamy drew her closer still, their lips never parting as he carefully positioned them, gently setting her down on the floor.  
  
The empty bottle crashed, and Emma pushed it out of the way as she pulled him back on top of her, nails raking down his back.  
  
It was only when his hands found their way to the button of her pants that she realized what was going to be happening next.  
  
"Bellamy," she whispered against his lips.   
  
"Mmm?" he mumbled, starting to unbutton her pants.  
  
"Bellamy, wait," she managed out, her voice calm.  She'd wanted this for so long, long before the end of the world -- but this wasn't how it was supposed to be. It wasn't supposed to be hurried and desperate or a way to stop the pain.  It was supposed to be more.  
  
His hands stopped moving immediately and he pulled away slightly, hovering over her. His breathing was heavy and his hair disheveled, and all Emma wanted to do was pull him back into her and ignore that nagging feeling in the back of her mind that said that this wasn't the right time for them.  
  
"Emma?" he prompted, his voice husky. "What's wrong?"  
  
She shook her head.  Tears burned behind her eyes but she swallowed, her hands still tangled in his hair.  She finally met his gaze and after a beat, she whispered, "You know what."  
  
Bellamy sighed, pushing himself up. He disentangled himself from her but didn't move to pull on his shirt.  He sat up, hugging his knees, and Emma couldn't help but watch the muscles on his back. He ran his hand down his face, his thumbs gently pressing into his eyes. She knew that look, too.  
  
When he finally glanced over his shoulder at her, she met his gaze, surprised to see his eyes shining slightly too.  
  
"Yeah," he said.  "I know. Emma, I..."  
  
"I know," she whispered.  "Me too."  
  
A different heaviness fell between them.  For what felt like a long time, neither of them said anything, instead just staring each other.  Emma could feel her heart breaking in her chest, wanting to go back to the time when it was right for them.

Or maybe the time was never right at all, and they were just in denial about it.  
  
Finally, Emma broke Bellamy's stare.  She reached around and grabbed her shirt, and after tossing him his, pulled hers over.  Without saying a word, they both stood up at the same time.  
  
"I'm, uh... I should go," she said, pulling at the hem of her shirt.  "It's late. I should probably try to get some sleep if I want to function tomorrow."  
  
He nodded.  "Good idea. Maybe have some water," he suggested, offering her a small smile.  
  
"I didn't drink that whole bottle myself," she pointed out, but the lightness in her tone felt forced.

"Yeah, but you're much smaller than me."  
  
"No need to rub it in," she grumbled, rolling her eyes. She cleared her throat, raking a hand through her hair. He played with the neck of his shirt, wringing it in his hands."‘Night, Bellamy."  
  
"Do you want me to walk you back?" he asked, the words rushing out.  
  
"No, it's fine. I got it," she assured him.  "It's late, though. You should get some sleep, too."  
  
"Yeah," he said.  He glanced back over at the window. "I'm gonna stay up for a bit, I think."  
  
Emma nodded.  "Okay. Have a good night," she replied, finally turning around.  She walked away from him, forcing herself not to look back.  
  
In somewhat of an alcohol-induced daze, she made it back to her room, the reality of what almost happened tonight crashing through her.  She'd wanted to so badly ignore the nagging voice in the back of her mind, wanting to be one of those people who could let desire and alcohol take over the situation.  And maybe if it had been another person, if it had been anyone else, she could've, but... it was Bellamy.  
  
And she knew, deep down, that it wasn't supposed to happen like this.  
  
When she opened the door to her room, the last thing she expected was to see the lights already on, with Perri sitting in her bed. Perri looked like she was actually ready to go to sleep; she was wearing her comfortable clothes and she looked as tired as Emma felt.  
  
Hoping to get through changing and crawling into bed with minimal conversation, Emma quietly crossed the room without saying anything.  
  
"Hey," Perri said. "You good?"  
  
"I'm fine," she replied automatically. She glanced around her side of the room. "Hey, have you seen that shirt I've been...?" She trailed off, zoning out when she realized the old tee-shirt was just on the other side of the bed. "Oh. Got it."  
  
"Uh, huh," Perri said, watching her carefully. "Are you drunk?"  
  
"A bit," she replied, grabbing the shirt and starting to change for bed.  
  
"Are you sure?" Perri asked, and it was hard to tell if she was mocking her or being sincere. "You're never this quiet."   
  
Emma rolled her eyes.  "I was with Bellamy."  
  
Perri raised her eyebrow. "With  _Bellamy_ , huh?"  
  
Her face flushed. "Uh, yeah," she replied. "We're friends and shit."  
  
"Mhm. I think ‘and shit' is a better answer there."  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?" she asked, hearing her defensive tone.  
  
"Relax, it was just a joke," Perri said.  
  
"Mmm," she mumbled. She changed her clothes and sat down on her bed, the movement making her head spin a little.  She put her head in her hands, resting her elbows on her thighs. "Hey, Perri?"  
  
"Mhm?"  
  
"How are you supposed to know you're with the right person?" she asked before she could stop herself.  Emma glanced over at her. "Because how are you supposed to know it's the right person but the wrong time? But what if it's the wrong person and it's never going to be the right time and you're just too stupid and in denial to realize it?"  
  
Perri blinked, not sure how to answer. "Uh, I mean, I don't...is there a reason you're asking?"  
  
"Well, um..." she started. She cleared the lump that had risen in her throat, shaking her head as the room spun.  "Nevermind. It doesn't matter; forget I said anything."  
  
"Hey, no, it's fine," Perri said quickly. She paused for a second before continuing, "You always know. Even if you don't think you do. You'll know if they're not who you're supposed to be with even if you convince yourself they are. Doesn't matter if it's the right time or not." She stopped talking again for a moment. "But even if it's not the right time, you'll know if it's who you really want to be with. Trust me."  
  
Emma nodded, a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach.  "What if the person you're supposed to be with is supposed to be with someone else?" she asked, unable to keep the rawness from her voice. It was easy to blame the alcohol; she never talked about her feelings for Bellamy and his relationship with Clarke to anyone other than Harper and Monty, but she couldn't help herself tonight.  
  
Perri stared at her. After a moment, she got up and walked over to Emma's bed, sat down, and put her arms around her. "Then maybe it's just not the right time," she said quietly.  
  
"Or maybe I'm just too stupid and in denial to realize it's the wrong person," she mumbled, moving and wrapping her arms around Perri's waist.  "Because if even the end of the world isn't going to be the right time, when is?"  
  
"You're not stupid," Perri said. "Trust me, if you have to question if it's the wrong person, then they probably are the right one. I'd know." She pulled Emma closer. "And sometimes the right time isn't what you'd expect."  
  
She shook her head again and instantly regretted it. "It's all wrong," she whispered, the last pieces of her heart breaking.  "Everything. He's... I... we... I can't..."  
  
Tears brimmed her eyes and it felt like her lungs were being torn to pieces, making it harder to breathe.  She was sure that if she wasn't holding onto Perri, every inch of her body would be shaking as this truth became impossible to deny. She and Bellamy had always been wrong for each other -- she just never wanted to see it, wanting to believe in the good, in that best friends could make it through anything, could fall in love and survive the end of the world.  
  
But the simple truth was this: they couldn't.  
  
"Hey, it's alright," Perri said soothingly. "I'm here, you're not going anywhere."  
  
"I couldn't do it, Perri," she whispered when her breathing finally returned to normal.  "I wanted to so much, but I... He... I panicked so badly the last time when I left and then we... I need him so much but I can't... I can't do it again."  
  
"No one says you have to. Just because you want to doesn't mean you should. And it takes a lot to see that."  
  
"I want him," she whispered, clutching onto Perri. "That's it.  Just him. I just wanted him to want me too."  
  
"I know, I know," she said. "I get it, it's okay."  
  
Emma looked back up at her, suddenly relieved that Perri had been here tonight.  She wasn't sure what she would've done if she'd come back to an empty room, and her impulsive, unpredictable side scared her more than her next question.   
  
"Can you stay here tonight?" she asked, her voice not much louder than it had been throughout all of this.  "With me?"  
  
"Yeah," Perri said, matching Emma's tone. "Of course."  
  
She managed a small, watery smile.  "Thanks. I'm really glad you were home tonight."  
  
"Me too."  
  
She nodded, but clearly hadn't learned that even the slightest movement of her head would make the room spin.  She pressed her eyes shut, and after her confession and near breakdown, pure exhaustion washed all over her. She opened her eyes again to disentangle herself from Perri and laid down on her bed, head against the pillow.  She nestled herself into the blankets they'd found in various rooms on the ring and glanced back over at her roommate.  
  
"Come here?" she asked, making room for her on the bed.  
  
Perri raised her eyebrow and hesitated for a second before laying down beside her. "For the record," she said, "I've been told by a very reliable source that I kick people when I sleep so, fair warning."  
  
"I consider myself warned," Emma replied, a slight hint at the lightness back in her voice -- and this time, it didn't feel forced.  "But it's a risk I'm willing to take."  
  
Silence enveloped the room and Emma fell asleep not long after that, her body pressed lightly against Perri's.  It was enough to know that someone was there, that she wasn't alone in this -- that even if it wasn't what she had expected, it was comforting to know that not everything had to be so hard.  
  
Sometimes things could just be simple -- like one roommate comforting another, like friends finding solace in each other's arms.  
  
Emma could only hope she didn't throw up in the middle of the night and ruin her first night's sleep since the world ended.  
  
She just never would've guessed it would be with Perri Laughlin.


End file.
